Hanna Andersson

warning warning

writing long today

very personal thoughts about life

After rain comes sunshine, yesterday morning felt dark and depressing, I couldn't see how I was gonna go through the day. I don't even understand myself sometimes, I can be so positive and really truly happy about almost anything, sometimes I wake up just thankful and excited about given one more day in this life.

But then booom, it's like a dark cloud over me, everything what I'm doing is just not working out. But I'm not giving up and that's the most important thing, I know that what I'm doing is right. That I'm going the right direction in life and that It's worth fighting. I keep praying and I try the hardest I can to change it. I know that my mood can go from awesome to awful in 3 seconds, I'm just learning how to deal with it.

I wrote about it yesterday and in the end I wrote that even If I didn't wanted to I was going to go out, because sitting inside doing nothing than feeling sorry for yourself will not help. So I followed my own advice and I decided to go out.

When I was getting dressed a girl answered me from the 25-30 emails I send away the other day to all the Au pairs in this area. A really nice girl named Michelle from China, we planned to meet each other at Starbucks. Had such a great time with her, she told me so much interesting things about China that I never had heard before. We had coffee and then she took me to a nice Chinese restaurant. Tried so much delicious food, and in the end she said that in China it's a tradition to pay for your new friend when you go to a restaurant How sweet is that, a girl that I'll for sure meet up with again!

This is on off many reasons why I love this life, to be an Au pair gives so many opportunities to meet people from different countries and I really like to hear about others stories and cultures, super interesting.

Yesterday kept being awesome, kids where greaaat. We had so much fun playing in the pool, two days in a row we had so beautiful weather. Hotter than Swedish summer, feels unreal since it's already October. Have to soon start packing my stuff cause on Sunday we move to the new house, then we'll have the pool right in the back off the house, that is so cool.

In the evening I felt for a walk so took almost a two hour long walk, did go all around Lake Meritt as well. Felt great when I came home all sweaty! Talked in the phone with Martina for w while to in the evening. She help me so much, when I talk with her I realize stuff about myself cause I'm saying it out loud. So blessed to have a friend like her, such a amazing person.

This morning when I woke up I felt so good. I knew this morning was going to be great and It really was. We have a new coffee machine so for the first morning in weeks I could drink a cup. Then me and the twins took off in the morning to the playground cause the weather is lovely, they played around half an hour before school, the really appreciated it! All the way there we did skip, jump, run, stop, dance and sing. So much fun one is in the front deciding and then everyone has to follow. By the time we reach the playground I was catching my breath.

When I said bye to the kids Marie my frenchie txted me if I wanted to take a walk around Lake Meritt so she picked me up from school. Felt good with some serious morning exercising, just came home and had a shower. We talked a lot about being away from home and how everything here is very new but so good. I miss Sweden but when I think about being homesick it's more about Virginia in one way, haha. But it makes sense cause that was my home for one year, off course I miss it.

I think I didn't write about it yet but I'm trying now for a while to only eat vegetarian. I just came to me in my head and I feel that If you hear something you shouldn't ignore it. I've done it for a while and it actually feels awesome, my body seems to like as well, for now not hard at all. I cook a lot, using a lot off vegetables which I love so this is only good.

When I was talking with Martina yesterday our conversation was a lot about how I see life so different now from before. Sometimes I feel like I'm actually seeing the world for the first time, like I before had a blindfold. I didn't see what was going on every time I didn't look for signs to make the right decisions I just walked sometimes even knowing that It was wrong, I didn't care the same way about it. I didn't put myself in the center off my life always and I didn't treat myself with the respect that I deserve. Now I'm so aware off so much more, I think different have a new perspective.

It's so amazing just being here In the middle off life and to feel it, I'm so thankful for all off these things that have changed and is changing. Blessed to have people around me that I care about and love and knowing people caring and loving me. I'm starting to understand that I don't have to look down at myself don't have to think that I'm not important in this world or that just me one person can't help much. Cause I see now that I'm effecting, I try my best to give something positive a word a thought or anything to someone else and that is enough, It works, I've seen it and it gives me a strong happy feeling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbNK50T35wY&feature=share

This is some notes that I took from the church that I went to this Sunday

this is how I see it

Let us not loose our joy

Where is your Joy,

Here as in now,

Confident answer that shows my faith, hope, trust and belief

God is in control of every area in my life

Suffering

you can Deny, fear, endure, defy, invoke, avoid, confess it

sin, sorrow, own sacrifice

God suffers with us